A Moment Like This

I was browsing at my library today and in the biographies section, i noticed that TWO of the books in this fairly small section were bios of American Idol winners. Now, my library is pretty tiny, and a lot of space is taken up by books in Russian and Chinese. Therefore, I would argue that Heart Full of Soul: An Inspirational Memoir About Finding Your Voice and Finding Your Way by Taylor Hicks and Life Is Not a Fairy Tale by Fantasia Barrino are not exactly books that I think should be taking up space at the expense of literally any other book ever.
Though, to be fair, I did not see any copies of Learning to Sing: Hearing the Music in Your Life by Clay Aiken.

posted by Caroline

I love you, Paul Revere

I was reading the Frequently Asked Questions section on a silversmith’s website and they are so bizarre. By definition, a FAQ is something FREQUENTLY asked, not random crap that ONE person ever has wanted to know the answer to. Someone needs to call this guy out because the questions he posts are in no way “frequently” asked of him and I’m pretty sure some of them were never asked but he just wanted to show off some of his awesome silversmithing knowledge.

Some examples:

• Some of the gilding has worn off my fish slice, can it be replated?
• Can you convert a place fork into an ice cream fork?*
• Can you repair a baby spoon that’s been down the garbage disposal?
(you aren’t supposed to actually use a silver baby spoon, genius, unless you WANT your baby to eat sulphuric acid AKA the main ingredient in silver polish)
• I have about 70 pounds of silver coins. Where should I sell them?
(I have 60lbs of coins…is the answer different?)
• I have a Mexican candelabra stamped “sterling” on the bottom. Are the arms sterling?
(the answer to this one is “probably”)
• Why is there a metallic taste when I drink coffee or tea?
• Who was America’s first silversmith?
(no one ever asked this, you liar)
• Is it true about a smith’s reflection in The Bible’s Malachi 3:3?
(this question is too boring to be true)
• I have just started collecting. Are there any silver magazines?
(this is my favorite question because the answer given is yes, there is and it is called Silver Magazine. So I am supposed to believe that a person would find a silversmith to ask them this question rather than just googling “silver magazine” and being amazed that the first result is exactly the answer to their prayers.)

*an ice cream fork (i looked it up) is literally a spork. Old timey 1800s people apparently couldn’t handle eating ice cream with a fork OR a spoon so they demanded both and - voila! - the spork was born. Idiots.

posted by caroline

I dream in web 2.0

I had a dream last night that my dog was lost, and I immediately logged on to tumblr to post a photo of her and a plea for help that all you readers keep an eye out for her. Yeah, like there are enough people who read this blog to help me successfully find my dog.

posted by Caroline

You want me to use ALL of my appendages?

I have four days to learn how to drive a stick shift.

This would not be a problem if 1) I lived somewhere where people had stick shift cars 2) The people I actually know with stick shift cars would never just let me borrow it to practice on because it costs more than all of my organs 3) EUROPE REALIZED HOW SILLY THEY ARE.

Which brings me to a major issue. I’ve thought of calling driving schools, posting on craigslist ( THAT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA- ” Girl wants to learn how to drive a stick”), and just plain NOT learning it, and then being really embarrassing when I actually have to drive this car in four days. In France. At a wedding. In front of dudes. Who are cute. And have jobs.

I watched a bunch of youtube videos about how to do it, so technically I would be an expert. But the videos are really just douché guys showing off their sports cars. And not being helpful to me.

Now I don’t want to hear any bologna about how it’s more fuel efficient, and is better for the engine. Pah! You have to use two feet! That really cuts down on the ability to change my shoes while driving. I don’t know what i’m going to do, because all the advice I’ve gotten has been people just saying ” It’s easy!”. Thanks dude, that was helpful.

Sorry, I’ve dranken too much coffee again and may not be making sense

Posted by monique (for a change)

Spoiler Alert!

I just finished reading The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, one of last year’s bestselling novels. Here is the issue: EVERYONE FUCKING DIES AT THE END! I mean literally there is a fire and every character is killed. The main drive of the story is that after Edgar’s dad dies in the middle of the book, his evil uncle who secretly killed the dad starts getting romantic with his mom. After 500ish pages, as the book builds towards a confrontation with his uncle when Edgar will solve the mystery of how his dad was actually murdered and confront his mom with the evidence, he instead dies in a fire. And his uncle dies. And his mom dies. And maybe a police officer dies. And some dogs die. And no mystery is solved THE END. this book is garbage for how long it is and how frustrating it is.

Posted by Caroline

CALL THE COPS!

My super cute fire escape garden was vandalized last night! My prime suspect is…A SQUIRREL.
Murder everyone just in case.

posted by caroline

Thief!

I got accused by the security guard at Whole Foods of stealing corn today. Just goes to show you that you shouldn’t decline the bag AND the receipt. I guess I can understand why I looked sketchy, as I was walking out of the store holding the corn in my hands, with cheese and a lime stuffed into my purse. I am so embarrassing.

posted by Caroline

You're Welcome, EVERYONE

Today I lowered my time warner cable bill by twenty dollars a month. If you follow my instructions, you idiots might be able to as well.

1. tell them that you were laid off and are having trouble paying your bill. try to sound like you are on the verge of tears.

2. say that you got a flier from DirecTV and they are offering lower rates. They will counter that you have to pay for DirecTV high def channels, whereas they give you high def for free. Tell them that you don’t care about high def because you DO NOT HAVE A HIGH DEF TELEVISION. For extra measure, I told them that I was saving up for one but could no longer afford the upgrade. Also, say that you love Friday Night Lights.

3. They will offer you free faster internet. Accept it gracefully.

4. They will offer you a lower rate if you agree to be a customer for two more years. Say that you are nervous about that because you don’t know how much longer you can afford cable, even at that rate because if it comes to choosing between TV and feeding your dogs, you will have to choose your dogs.

5. They will give you a rate even cheaper than the “two year lock-in” rate. And you don’t have to promise anyone anything.

ta dah!

posted by caroline

Review of the Internet (crash! boom!)

Twitter is for suckers because you can only write like one sentence. I am too funny to be put into a one sentence concentration camp. Also it is hard to read someone’s twitter because they are always responding to things that other people have said but you don’t know what it was that the person said originally. Totally lame. Most importantly, there are too many celebrities on twitter being boring. I AM LOOKING AT YOU, EMMA ROBERTS.

I am a fan of four things on facebook. Two of them are websites, one is my high school and the fourth is trampolines. I am satisfied with this, except I wish there was a way to make it clear that I was MORE a fan of trampolines than the other three.

Did you know that you can still “poke” someone on facebook? Does anyone still do this anymore?