January 2007
10 posts
Man Bites Panda After Zoo Attack
(from bbc online) Zhang Xinyan, 35, had drunk four draught beers before deciding to enter the Beijing Zoo pen belonging to six-year-old male panda Gu Gu. The startled Gu Gu bit both legs of his intruder, who responded by biting “the panda on its back”, Mr Zhang was quoted by state media as saying. Mr Zhang said he had not realised pandas could be violent.He told the Beijing Morning Post that he...
caroline vs. toilet
I live in a pretty nice building. The first floor and hallways are cleaned twice a week, stuff is kept up, and repairs are made quickly. This is why I was so surprised to find a toilet living in the lobby. This wasn’t just a nice clean toilet - it was super gross, with a mismatched seat, ravaged from years of use, and with a bottle of laundry detergent inexplicably floating in the murky water in...
I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE
In the bookstore I noticed a book called “Things People Stole From Me.” Imagine my disappointment when I saw that it was about South African genocide or something like that. What a great, misleading title! It makes you think that it’s gonna be all about dudes that the author dude hates. Ugh, super letdown! This has given me the fab idea to write my own book (self-published, obvi) about all the...
MySpace!!!1
It’s rather unclear why people feel the need to make an effing myspace bulletin post alerting everyone whenever they put new pictures of themselves up on their profile, and also DEMAND comments. Do you really need people to validate that you look hot? Or just that you exist in pixel form? It’s super tacky and needs to stop. Myspace is already a total festival of inanitay and irrelevance as it...
The South Beach Diet is Garbage
Monique and Caroline, in the pursuit of making their lives more interesting, have taken up the South Beach Diet to lose those accumulated winter pounds, as they dream of spending all summer on the beach wearing four strategically placed band-aids as a bikini and don’t want to scare the children. Neither of us has actually read the SBD book, though Caroline did go so far as to purchase it for about...
i h8 the post office
I don’t think I ever knew the meaning of the word “inefficiency” until I moved to New York and started going to the Post Office here. The one I go to, on 14th St. or “The 7th Circle of Hell” as it is more commonly known, is a horribly-run, visual tribute to the 1970s. You are guaranteed to never wait less than half an hour to do anything. At off-peak times,...
"People" say the stupidest things
PEOPLE are unbelievably stupid Every week PEOPLE Magazine publishes letters in response to their previous issue. It’s basically inconceivable that someone would take time out of their day to write down their retarded opinion about celebrities because it’s SO IMPORTANT that it must be shared in a public forum, but they do, week after week.
Response to Ellen Degeneres
While I have...
The Weekly Rant- by Bryce Randolph Carlson
THE WEEKLY RANT
You know what really grinds my gears?
PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO BACK IN THEIR AUTOMOBILES
Maybe it’s because I’m the son of a UPS driver and it’s in my chromosomes, or because I’m naturally gifted when it comes to steering anything with wheels, but in any case, I think that reversing into a parking spot is preferable whenever possible.
I know that there are those of you out...
Mean Horoscopes from 1950
Over winter vacation, I found a daily diary that belonged to my mother when she was eight years old. Despite having been used only once, the diary was chock-full of awesome information; the kind of stuff that every little girl should know, like the 1950 population of the hundred most populous cities and which present corresponds to which wedding anniversary. Y’know, useful facts. By far the...
Scared Little Children
Looking back, we’re realizing that some childrens films , aren’t really for children…
1. The Hugga Bunch.
Three minutes of high quality internet research has informed me of
the fact that the Hugga Bunch characters started out as Hallmark Card
cartoons. Sweet cracker sandwich, that is absolutely fucking
ridiculous. The Hugga Bunch tells the irrelevant and boring story of...