My Life Is SO Awkward

My boyfriend just gave me a really good present. It’s a nylon tote bag that cinches up into a little heart shaped sack so you can always have a tote bag on the go! I guess I’ll tie it to my bike or something because if I tied it to the subway I’d probably never see it again. Here are the two best parts:

1. His boss was going to throw it in the garbage.
2. It says “THE BACK UP PLAN” on both the bag and the cinch sack!

Now, I am a long time fan of Jennifer Lopez (not true) as well as shitty romantic comedies (also not true) so there’s nothing that I would be more proud to “tote” (haha, get it?) than a bag promoting her terrible new movie.

Thanks Paul!

posted by Caroline

PS - CAN PEOPLE PLEASE STOP THROWING GARBAGE IN MY BIKE BASKET? EVERY GODDAMN DAY THERE’S LIKE HALF A SHOE, AN ORPHANED BABY, TWO HOBOS AND SIX BEER CANS IN THERE. I’M LOSING MY MIND. DO PEOPLE THINK THE BIKE BASKET IS SOME KIND OF PORTABLE TRASH CAN? BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY NOT. AND I LIVE IN MANHATTAN SO THERE IS A PUBLIC TRASH CAN AT BOTH ENDS OF EVERY BLOCK. OMG SRSLY I WILL PUNCH EVERYONE.

I just found wikipedia’s list of Bad Article Ideas and some of them are soooo good. Of course, Monique & I hate wikipedia because they deleted the article Monique wrote about My Life Is So Awkward.

The following is a list of article ideas that show up repeatedly in Articles for deletion. Please think twice before creating an article about any of the following. Perhaps even three times:
Yourself or your organization – including a band of which you are a member or employee, even if either is notable! See Wikipedia:Conflict of interest and Wikipedia:Wikipedia is not here to tell the world about your noble cause.

The street you live on (unless it is internationally famous).

A second article on an existing topic because of course you can just edit the existing article. Use the Search button to find out where it is.

Your dormitory (unless it’s a heritage-listed building).

Your club, society, fraternity, sorority or any other school/college group (unless it’s famous and covered by independent sources).

Secret societies that are truly secret, and other secret information that is being revealed for the first time. (See Wikipedia:No original research)

Anything about which you are not going to write at least one complete sentence.

Extremely specific details which only a dedicated few care about.

Subjects that cannot be studied, or the knowledge of which amounts only to the fact that it relates to another topic.

Any article written while in a highly emotional state or reflecting personal opinions (Wikipedia is not a blog).

A new article to supplement an already existing one which you think is not putting your point across forcefully enough.

Any subject that can be documented only by reference to the original, be it film, recording or picture. Have you watched every single episode of Star Trek until you can document the proportion of sacrificial red shirts who have black hair? That’d get you a barnstar at Memory Alpha, but probably a WP:AFD here.

The New Great Thing you made up in school today.

Your résumé.

Any article devoted solely to announcing that someone is awesome, or cool, or the man, the myth, the legend.

Any article devoted solely to announcing that someone is gay.

Any article that would either boost your ego or crush someone else’s.

Any article suggesting that unverified urban legends are indeed true.

Basically wikipedia should just say that if you live with your parents, you need to have your parent’s permission to write an article because you are THIRTEEN YEARS OLD.
Anyway, I guess the article I wanted to write about how Monique is gay and one time ate pop rocks and coke and then DIED is not a good article idea?

posted by Caroline

Ughh, what is wrong with you people? I was in Bed Bath & Beyond this week and I spotted these shower curtain hooks.

Lipsticks, purses and shoes? Do you want to turn into a crazy cat lady? Someone must be buying these if BB&B is making them.
I also spotted these head-scratchers:

Umm, old-timey outhouse shower curtain hooks? EXCUSE ME? I can’t imagine anything less glamorous than a tiny, stinky wooden house where you poop into a pit and then wipe yourself with a page from the Sears Catalog. It’s almost like a “fuck you” to old timey people to use their place of misery as a charming accent in your modern, heated bathroom with hot water, electric light and flush toilet. Apparently there are lots of people out there who want the theme of their bathroom to be THE GREAT DEPRESSION. How elegant!

Now, from these two super bizarre shower hook choices, you might think that Bed Bath & Beyond has some amazing assortment of dozens upon dozens of different decorative hooks. Actually, they don’t. They have like seven choices besides plain plastic and metal ones. So who is sitting in their plastic resin factory office and deciding to make tiny outhouses and purses as shower curtain hook choices and how do I get that job? I would make sets of different kinds of sharks and sandwiches. Or every one would be a different embarrassing photo of monique!

posted by caroline

OMG you guys I ate so much salad I think I’m going to burst. I’m so full now. Is that even possible? That’s like filling up on sushi…

I’m going to lie down now.

posted by Monique
(obviously)

Breaking! Not be all Gizmodo on you guys or anything, but I just discovered that the iPhone predictive text doesn’t recognize the word “iPad”! Isn’t that Crazytown, USA? When I typed in “iPad” it predicted that I wanted to write “upas” instead. Now, I’m assuming that all of you know what “upas” means (A deciduous tree (Antiaris toxicaria) of tropical Africa and Asia that yields a latex used as an arrow poison) but this was the rare occasion when I wasn’t trying to text someone about my favorite natural poison and actually wanted to say something about the iPad. Maybe the iPhone software update coming out in June will include an addition of “iPad” to the internal dictionary.

I’ve had other issues with the iPhone predictive text in the last few years. When I try to type out the word “give,” by the time I get to “giv” the phone predicts that I want to type “HIV.” When I try to type “took,” the phone thinks that I am trying to type “Tojo” who was the prime minister of Japan during World War II. Now, why does this phone think that I constantly want to talk about AIDS and Pearl Harbor via text message? So bizarre.

posted by Caroline.

UPDATE FROM MY FRIEND JESSIE: “One of my old phones always wanted to put plutocrat whenever I tried to type slut.”

Monique:
i went out to dinner
and i told my friend that I had a cathy moment
where I got ham on my pants
except they weren’t pants, they were pajamas and it was 6pm.

I love monique.

Posted by Caroline

Is it classyer if I reveal that it was imported ham?

-m