He has no hands, come ON guys this is obviously stupid

The most awkward charitable event of my lifetime (ok I was born two months after) has got to be Hands Across America. Now, a brief intro from wiki:

Hands Across America was a benefit event and publicity campaign staged on Sunday May 25, 1986 in which approximately seven million people held hands in a human chain for fifteen minutes along a path across the continental United States. Participants paid ten dollars to reserve their place in line; the proceeds were donated to local charities to fight hunger and homelessness and help those in poverty.

OK, so clearly this is a bananas stupid idea as well as a great way to spread the flu virus. Even though tons of people actually showed up (why?), most didn’t spend the money to “reserve” their place in line, so the event, which cost more than $17 million to promote and put on, raised only $20 million. So basically seven million people came out on a sunday to hold hands for fifteen minutes for no reason. People are such creeps!

But! Here is what made it AWESOME: the dumbest, most embarrassing 80s celebrities participated, including R2D2 who has no hands. R2D2 you guys! Seriously! That is just like setting him up for failure and embarrassment.

Trenton, New Jersey (with Dionne Warwick and Tony Danza)

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (with Jerry Lewis and Scott Baio)

Baltimore, Maryland (with R2-D2 and Emmanuel Lewis.) The first break in the chain west
of New York was reported to be in Maryland due to R2D2 not having hands.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (with the Pittsburgh Pirates Parrot)

Cleveland, Ohio (with David Copperfield)

Cincinnati, Ohio (with Chewbacca the Wookiee)

Columbus, Ohio (with Michael J. Fox)

Toledo, Ohio (with Jamie Farr)

Chicago, Illinois (with Walter Payton …the longest unbroken section of the chain was allegedly in Illinois)

Springfield, Illinois (with 50 Abraham Lincoln impersonators)

St. Louis, Missouri (with Kathleen Turner under the St. Louis Arch)

Memphis, Tennessee (with 54 Elvis Presley impersonators)

Amarillo, Texas (with Kenny Rogers, Renegade, Lee Greenwood and Tony Dorsett at the TX-NM border)

Albuquerque, New Mexico (with Don Johnson, and the Dearholt Family)

Phoenix, Arizona (with Ed Begley, Jr., however desert areas were mostly empty, dotted with one-mile (1.6 km)-long chains of people. Truck drivers sounded their horns during the appointed time.)

San Bernardino, California (with Bob Seger and Charlene Tilton)

Santa Monica, California (with Jack Youngblood, Dudley Moore, Richard Dreyfuss, and Donna Mills)

Long Beach, California (with Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Reverend Robert Schuller, Kenny Loggins, and John Stamos, backed by Papa Doo Run Run

Oh my god you guys, NO one knows who most of these “celebrities” are! You should have just gotten celebrity impersonators, because people love the shit out of that for some reason. The 1980s were lucky that they didn’t have reality shows on TV because if this event was today, it would be 50% VH1 reality show cast members hoping to get photographed and no one wants to hold hands with those slime buckets because they probably have STDs. As does R2D2. I think; I have never seen star wars.

posted by Caroline