Jellyfish - “IMMA GIT YOU!”
Last night I watched a wonderfully terrifying new show on the Discovery Channel. It was called “Rise of the Jellyfish” and it was amaaaaazing. The gist of it was that for reasons unknown, but possibly the coming apocalyse, jellyfish are increasing in numbers and will soon become our new overlords. If you think that I am sounding overdramatic, you need to watch this show because they constantly referred to jellyfish as “gelatinous invaders” and our “enemies” as well as accused them of such things as:
- Disabling the USS Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier by gunking up the engine.
- Leaving the city of Manila in the Philippines without electricity by gunking up a hydroelectric power plant.
-Ruining Hawaii by being too sting-y
-Stinging 150 people in New Hampshire, but not totally ruining the state (I think).
-“squeezing out all other life forms entirely” (debatable. A lot of life forms appear to still exist.)
-Almost killing one Navy Seal on a training mission dive with the implication that they will be back for MANY more, possible all of our Navy Seals.
-Weighing up to 450 lbs (omg what the FUCK?)
-Crippling the Indonesian fishing industry by insisting on being caught in their nets and generally wasting everyone’s time and being poked by sticks.
- Being able to problem-solve. Possibly they are getting smarter.
The show went so far as to imply that jellyfish actually control the weather, based on repeatedly showing footage of lightning striking water. This is all very impressive considering that jellyfish do not have a brain, turn into a puddle of goop if you take them out of the water and almost all of them can only go wherever the tide directs them. The show conveniently neglects to mention the fact that jellyfish cannot walk around on land, so we really are basically safe. The clear solution to me would be that we all just stay the f out of the water or if we must, use a boat instead of snorkeling through jellyfish-infested waters with your finger firmly set in poking position.
Lord please deliver us from these terrifying beasts whose evil powers consist of accidentally floating into people and getting stuck in machinery that sucks up water.
posted by caroline (and images artfully photoshopped by caroline as well)
